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10 May 2006 @ 10:37 pm
Well, it worked for one night.. [Completed]  
Character(s): Hitsu, Touga
Content: It was all going well, at least until Hitsu woke up from a nightmare.
Setting: The dorm on the third level now occupied by Hitsu and Touga.
Time: 3:00 AM
Warnings: Blood, mind violence, cursing, shounen-ai (m/m fluffies. JUST LIKE PEEPS!)the obvious angst warning (You knew I was going to put that there, it was obvious. Hitsu has a stick up where the sun don't shine. )

Red oozed down the pale canvas to mix with the greenery below, small droplets seeming to rain down from above in succession with the noises of painful gasps. After every breath followed that of a sickening twist and snap or the slice of delicate flesh upon cold metal. This pattern of pain seemed to go on for ages, never ending, never stopping. He tried to close his eyes to will it away but found that they didn't close - instead they found themselves locked with crimson eyes he knew all too well. Those goddamn sickening eyes. Even though his vision was failing him, he always knew who's eyes those were.

“This is nothing but what your own faults caused, Hitsu.” A soft, almost angelic voice slipped from lips covered in sweet venom. The sickening feeling of his fingers upon his open wounds probably would have caused him to vomit if he had anything left in his stomach. What was more sickening about it is he knew these words were true... “Of course, you were always one to be ignorant, Hitsu-chan~.” The man held out this last syllable, mocking Hitsu before he felt excruciating pain stab through his chest.

The next moment he knew, he found himself in the safety of the bedroom yet nothing seemed comfortable at this point. The images flooded through his head. He almost seemed to choke on the intangible sentences as he was gasping for air. His breathing eventually returned to it's normal state but his mind wouldn't let go of those thoughts. With a sigh, he sat up in the bed - burying his head in his knees.

And after all that crap about being glad to be wanted, maybe even a bit happy for once.. He thought maybe the feelings would have lasted. Allowed him a good night's sleep.

Apparently, fate decided him to deal him a bad card.
winter_rosebud on May 11th, 2006 05:12 pm (UTC)
Touga had actually drifted into something similar to sleep as he lay in bed next to Hitsu after the emotional and intimate evening they'd spent together. Just around that time of night his corporeality tended to evaporate, Hitsu cried out in his sleep. Touga was solid again in an instant, reaching out for the other boy to see if he was all right. But Hitsu shrugged him off, began to thrash around the bed, gasping for air and crying out at an invisible assailant.

He was having a night terror, but Touga wasn't sure what to do about it. His touch seemed to make the nightmare worse. So he began to call Hitsu's name softly in an attempt to wake him up. After a few minutes of this, the other boy finally awoke, trembling and drenched in sweat. He sat up and curled into the fetal position.

Now that Hitsu was awake, maybe there was something Touga could do. He reached out and gently smoothed back the sweaty strands of hair from the other boy's face. "Is there anything I can do?" he asked softly.
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 11th, 2006 09:40 pm (UTC)
Whenever he attempted to escape from the past, memories just came right back in front of him to slap him in the face. They reminded him of his goals long ago and wouldn't let him forget them. Once in a while, Hitsu wished he could just relax - away from the memories and nightmares that seemed to control him like a puppet. A lot of good wishing did.

A bitter smile crossed his face as he thought of this - and his thoughts would have probably gone on in the same direction if Touga hadn't interrupted his thoughts. It was a welcome break yet he'd rather have the other not worrying about him. That was exactly what he didn't want to do.

So instead of saying the truth, he simply shook his head. "I'll be fine.." He shrugged, "It was just a stupid nightmare afterall.."
winter_rosebud on May 12th, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)
If he was going to deny it, then perhaps Hitsu would also deny his revulsion at being touched right now. Touga thought he would try.

Somehow, his first instinct was to lay hands on the other boy, to hold him close and still his trembling with the warmth of his own body, illusory though it was.

Touga took Hitsu by the shoulder and pulled him close with strong arms, wrapped them around the smaller boy, and petted his hair soothingly.

"You don't have to lie for me," he said. "If you can't say, I understand."

Touga had never had dreams, precisely--not while asleep--but there had been times when memory would come crushing down on him seemingly out of nowhere, suffocating tactile memory accompanied by fear, pain, revulsion. That wasn't the kind of thing you could tell someone else, especially when the feeling hadn't quite left you yet. Touga understood.

"...but you don't have to lie."
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 12th, 2006 03:58 am (UTC)
Embracing the boy had a positive reaction, as some of the tension in his trembling body was released. For a few moments he didn’t have to think about that stupid memory. Of that man he couldn’t touch tangibly but still haunted his dreams. He didn’t know what was worse, not being able to tangibly touch him or not being able to gain enough power to kill him in his dreams. They still came back moments later as he let himself rest against Touga.

He felt guilty, incredibly guilty about lying about the whole matter after Touga’s words had been said. So he could see right through it, huh? Hitsu couldn’t help but to grimace at the fact he was a horrible actor – and the fact that he wouldn’t wish that man upon anyone. To speak of him, to even talk about it at the moment felt like he was going to appear in front of them.

“Sorry…” He muttered, although he didn’t seem sorry about clinging to the other. He just didn’t want to slip back into that cold world now, and the only warmth he could find to hold on to seemed to be Touga’s.
winter_rosebud on May 12th, 2006 04:58 am (UTC)
"Don't be," Touga told him sincerely, continuing to stroke the boy's silky blue hair. "It's not your fault."

There was such a deep connection between them; Touga would never have guessed in what similar circles their trauma ran. But even without Hitsu telling him, to a certain extent, he could feel it. And for once, he was grateful for what had happened to him. Because it allowed Touga to understand Hitsu in a way few others ever would.

Taking the smaller boy's chin gently between his fingers, Touga tilted his face up so that he could look into auburn eyes. "You never have to speak of it, but...should you ever need to, or want to...I'm here."

He bent down and placed the gentlest of kisses on Hitsu's lips.
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 12th, 2006 05:42 am (UTC)
If his strength hadn’t been zapped out of him by that dream, he probably would have protested. It was his fault after all – he was the one who got terrified from that nightmare. Yet, was it something he could control? Most likely not but blaming himself gave him the delusion that he might.

When Touga tilted his head up, he couldn’t hide the sudden surprise of the action. This had gotten his attention back and he listened. Yet the words that were coming out of the other’s mouth he couldn’t believe. Someone offering him their shoulder to cry on? This obviously had to be some kind of hallucination or dream or something. Most people were either scared of him or didn’t know he existed – not many had offered him their hands. Especially not like Touga.

Before he could contemplate further, his lips were captured in a gentle kiss. His eyes widened a fraction and he almost looked for a moment as though he might strangle the redhaired man. Instead, his actions were quite uncharacteristic of him. He shyly kissed the other back.

Two seconds later though, he pulled away – and hastily jerked his body so that his back was faced towards the other.

What the hell had made him do that?!
winter_rosebud on May 12th, 2006 05:53 pm (UTC)
Touga reached out and placed his hands on Hitsu's shoulders. "It's all right."

Feeling the other boy kiss back for a moment had been thrilling. But Touga had felt it when Hitsu's damage had caught up with what he was doing, made him pull away as if burned.

He moved closer and slipped one arm around Hitsu's shoulders from the front. "You won't hurt me." Touga leaned his head against the smaller boy's. "And I won't hurt you." He rubbed Hitsu's back soothingly. "It doesn't have to be bad."

Though Touga had never had a good emotional experience with anything sexual, he had eventually learned to enjoy it. Hitsu seemed lightyears away from that difficult lesson. But hopefully Touga could teach him that something as simple as kissing or just holding one another could be all right. They were supposed to be acts of love, not domination or pain. But he could tell it would be some time before Hitsu could begin to see that.

Well, Touga had time...he thought. No doorway had opened up yet beckoning him into the light. Even so, he would have turned his back on it now to stay with Hitsu.
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 12th, 2006 06:27 pm (UTC)
It wasn’t alright! He wasn’t suppose to feel like this!

The boy was supposed to be concentrating on more important things, Toru-nee-chan. To him, feeling this way was abandoning her in the dust. He should be thinking of how avenge her dead. Not this. He was letting Toru down doing this..

Plus, the only times this had ever happened – this type of touching, it was painful. Excruciating sparks of pain he wanted to keep in the back of his mind forever. Sure, he had seen other couples together and happily holding eachother. He knew, however, that was just a delusion that would fade away. Everything faded away like that.

Yet.. With Touga he couldn’t help himself. It was stupid, it was retarded. No matter if he attempted to bring about the urges to hurt the man it was futile. He couldn’t. And.. Touga hadn’t hurt him back.

Touga was telling the truth. And while with one hand he wanted to grab a gun and shoot his brains out, with the other he wanted to simply hold the other. It was insane, stupid, retard!

It was plain confusing.

“It isn’t alright..” His eyes shifted to a wall, his voice sounding as though he was trying to convince himself rather than Touga. “It can’t be..”
winter_rosebud on May 12th, 2006 10:25 pm (UTC)
Touga's arms tightened around Hitsu in a gentle squeeze. "It can be," he said gently. "If you let it."

He bent his head and warm breath coasted across the curve of Hitsu's neck. Touga leaned in and nuzzled him comfortingly, like a mother lion with her cub.
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 12th, 2006 11:48 pm (UTC)
A part of the blue-haired youth couldn't disagree more. This wasn't acceptable , and he couldn't make it acceptable. It was one thing he vowed years ago. Of course, another part of him reminded him that vows were meant to be broken sometimes.

The comforting touches had their effect but it was more a mixed emotion between frustration and relaxing. He was frustrated due to his feelings; at the same time, he didn't want those emotions to go away.

"...If I let it.." He repeated those words softly to himself.
winter_rosebud on May 13th, 2006 07:44 am (UTC)
When Hitsu didn't panic, Touga's lips were gently pressed against his throat next.

"Perhaps we can both learn how...together. What do you say, Hitsu?" He stroked the other boy's hair. "Are you willing to at least try?" Touga began to gently rock back and forth on the bed, still holding Hitsu against him.
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 13th, 2006 08:01 am (UTC)
The touch upon his sensitive skin caused him to shudder. His right hand balling some of the fabric within it as it turned into a fist. That little nagging voice in his head said he probably could get away with attempted murder at the moment.

Touga wasn't doing any harm to him, though, he hadn't throughout this whole time. Yet these touches were uncomfortable - mainly because they were something different than nails scraping down his flesh or a punch to his face. Unfamiliarity almost fueling him to act upon the words of the darker half of him.

But the other half kept restraining him, causing him to again not do anything. 'Unfamiliar things weren't always bad', it protested. Maybe he would give this all a chance. Plus, if things got bad enough he always could resort to violent methods later. And that nagging voice, for once - didn't have an argument for that.

Hitsu seemed a bit more relaxed with his next few words. "Maybe I could try.."
winter_rosebud on May 13th, 2006 08:13 am (UTC)
Touga smiled, even though Hitsu couldn't see it from their current position. "Good. Then maybe I can, too."

Slowly, he lowered them to a reclining position on the bed, and leaned over to kiss Hitsu on the forehead before snuggling against him. "Should I get you some hot cocoa from the vending machine to help you go back to sleep?"
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 13th, 2006 08:25 am (UTC)
A blush once again formed over his face upon the other's movements. He wasn't quite used to all this.. touchy-feely type of movements. At least, not for a good fifteen or so years and that was more or less because he couldn't get to sleep without someone around. Now it seemed extremely awkward.

Luckily, Touga's next question took him off the subject before he could think about it too much.

Hitsu couldn't help but to smirk softly at the idea that hot cocoa would get him to sleep. While it had worked completely fine when he was younger, he somewhat feared what kind of effects that would have on him now. After his insanity incident, he tended to stay away from vending machines. Most food or products in those things had sugar in them. Needless to say his answer wasn't going to be yes.

"It's okay, I'll probably fall back to sleep soon enough without the hot cocoa..."
winter_rosebud on May 13th, 2006 08:32 am (UTC)
Now he thought of it, Touga vaguely remembered Hitsu having told him something about not being able to eat sweets. It was odd, however, because he couldn't recall the circumstances.

He tried to think of some other way to help the other boy get back to sleep. "Roll over," Touga told him gently, giving the hand he was holding a gentle squeeze. "I'll rub your back."
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 14th, 2006 12:44 am (UTC)
Hitsu figured he would probably fall back into the embrace of sleep within a good hour or so. Drifting off into the night could most likely cause another nightmare to come. With that thought in his mind, he wasn't too keen the idea of going back to sleep.

When the other suggested a back rub, he didn't exactly know what to think of it. Was that some way of putting him back to sleep? If it was, that was quite an odd idea - plus that would involve more touching. He hesitated upon the idea for a moment or two before rolling over on his stomach.

It wasn't as though the other was going to stab him in the back or anything.
winter_rosebud on May 14th, 2006 07:36 am (UTC)
Touga started out just lying next to the other boy and stroking a hand down his back, slowly slowing down as he increased the pressure. When he got to the point where he was literally pressing Hitsu into the bed, Touga broke for a moment to sit up in his knees.

Bending over the younger boy, he placed both hands on his back and gently began to knead his shoulders. Touga brushed the soft strands of blue out of the way and placed one hand on the back of Hitsu's neck, pulling the tension out. Hitsu had a lot of stress for someone who looked to be under twenty.
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 14th, 2006 08:14 am (UTC)
There was difficulty at first with get used to the touches, especially when he seemed to be pushing him into the bed. A part of him jokingly wondered if the other was trying to either break his back or make him suffocate on the pillow his face was half buried into. His back did feel a small bit better afterwards, he did have to admit.

To put so much trust in the other made him feel uncomfortable. The probabilities of him allowing someone to even touch him seemed one in at least a billion. The probabilities of being in this situation happened to be close to impossible or they seemed impossible until tonight.

When the other kneaded his shoulders, a flood of pain seemed to spill out of them. Not even Hitsu seemed to realize how much tension had been in his shoulders. They became slightly more loose due to the ministration yet the whole process still caused the younger one to shudder a bit – especially when the tension seeped from his neck. He almost was willing to call this whole thing off due to how bloody uncomfortable it was, but the relief that flooded through him after it stopped him.

Another thought came from the back of his mind, a thought about maybe getting a chiropractor.
winter_rosebud on May 15th, 2006 01:40 am (UTC)
Touga worked on the knots slowly. There were so many, and to just dive in and start kneading them would have hurt the other boy. He alternated between Hitsu's back, neck, and shoulders as well, so that neither would get sore.

After some time of this, his hands were getting a bit tired, and Touga noticed Hitsu wincing--though whether that was from the massage or allowing the redhead to touch him for this length of time was undetermined.

Touga lay down next to him once more and moved close to murmur into Hitsu's ear. "Better?" He brushed strands of blue out of Hitsu's face and smiled up into auburn eyes.
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 15th, 2006 04:10 am (UTC)
Hitsu was quite grateful that the other hadn't simply kneaded upon his back mercilessly. Hitsu could endure pain quite well if he needed to but that did not mean he preferred to have it inflicted upon him. Touga hadn’t yet broke any barriers as far as pain went – which, if Touga were made of flesh and blood, would be a good thing.

As time went on the combination of exhaustion and the relaxation of his muscles left him feeling warm, and his mind fogged. For once, Hitsu could say touch actually felt quite nice – but too much of it was still a problem. In addition, the massage became somewhat painful again, causing him to wince. Gratitude once again came when the other stopped.

“Yea..” He muttered, his eyes half-lidded due to the fogginess that wouldn’t leave them along with the fact his body could be compared to putty.
winter_rosebud on May 15th, 2006 04:43 am (UTC)
Seeing the other boy's body had turned mostly to putty and Hitsu looked about to fall asleep, Touga pulled him close, wrapping arms around him and resting Hitsu's head against his chest. "Then I think we can try a little more sleep," he said softly.

Touga couldn't resist leaning down and pressing his lips against the other boy's again for a moment, first. The massage hadn't gotten his motor running exactly, but a kiss did seem to flow naturally from having had his hands roaming the other boy's body for the last half hour. Maybe he was just hoping to feel Hitsu kiss back again as he had for that split second the last time.
Hitsuabstractedmind on May 15th, 2006 05:41 am (UTC)
Hitsu found that he wasn’t objecting the touch, or trying to push the other away this time. Neither were they uncomfortable, quite the contrary really. He wondered vaguely if the fogginess of his mind had anything to do with his tolerance.

When the other kissed him another time, the younger one seemed more at ease with it. He pressed his lips back softly against Touga’s for a few moments before pulling back. It wasn’t so bad after all, at least at the moment. Maybe he was too dazed to think with his right mind?
winter_rosebud on May 15th, 2006 04:00 pm (UTC)
Mmn. That had felt good.

Touga brushed the other boy's hair back from his face and gently rested one hand on Hitsu's cheek as he tried again. Perhaps it wasn't the wisest move to push the other boy on this issue, but having him relaxed first had gotten the best result yet.

Mostly, however, Touga just wanted to revel in the feeling he got when Hitsu kissed back. And part of him was curious how long the younger boy would let him go on.

It was training, of a sort. Certainly, it would take time and practice like this before Hitsu became remotely comfortable with physical intimacy between them, even just so far as holding and touching was concerned.

Speaking of which, Touga guided Hitsu's good hand to lie flat against his bare chest where the vest he was wearing had gaped open. Petting it where it lay to encourage him not to pull his hand away, Touga stroked Hitsu's cheek with his thumb, continuing that gentle pressure on the other boy's lips of one kiss after another, never pulling away enough to differentiate between the first kiss and the next.
Hitsu: Magicabstractedmind on May 16th, 2006 12:51 am (UTC)
It may have not been the wisest move, but the results were possitive. His lips hesitantly returned yet another kiss that was planted upon his lips. He seemed more doubtfuly with this kiss though. More concerned about what he was doing than just enjoying it. Yet his fogged mind hadn't allowed him too much thought, at least not enough to break from the kiss.

Still, the younger one didn't seem ready to commit to much other than the kisses. When the his hand was placed upon Touga's bare chest, he pulled it slightly back - even despite the encouraging petting. While he refused to place his hand on the other's chest completely, he was handling the kisses a bit better. A small sigh escaping his lips as his cheek was stroked gently and more kisses graced his lips.
winter_rosebud on May 16th, 2006 04:51 pm (UTC)
Touga lost track of the time, of everything else as he continued to hold Hitsu close and suck the honeyed breath from his lips. As they continued, the younger boy seemed to get more comfortable, yet it was clear this was all he was willing to do. He wasn't even comfortable resting his hand against Touga's bare skin.

The redhead pressed on with their long, slow series of kisses until he reached the point where he would have to stop or go further. He broke away from Hitsu's mouth and pulled the other boy against his chest, just holding him. Over Hitsu's shoulder, he saw the sky beginning to lighten outside.

The boy in his arms was already more than half asleep, which Touga saw as a good thing in more ways than one. If he was comfortable enough to fall asleep lying against him (again), and with all of the kissing they'd been doing, it just showed he was becoming that much more comfortable with Touga.

Touga stroked the younger boy's hair and reveled in the warmth of the small living body against his, allowing his mind to drift in what passed for sleep for him.